I am recommending a book

It has stripes and a pink cover with a chicken on it. It's called A Complicated Kindness and is narrated by a 16-year-old Mennonite girl in a small Canadian town. She smokes and drinks and worships Lou Reed, and her commentary on life in a cultish religious community where everyone is related in several ways (her parents are also first cousins) is hilarious and sometimes very sad. There are parts of this book I really wish I had written.

That's sad, I said. No parents. And he laughed and said I've got something else and then he held up his cigarette in one hand and his bottle of Old Stock in the other hand and said: Mom. And Dad. When he dropped me off my own parents were playing badminton in the front yard. My mom was wearing white canvas Keds that she'd gotten in the States, and pedal pushers. And my dad was in his suit, of course. They waved to Bert and I told him to hide his mom and dad or I'd never get to go driving with him again.

If anyone wants to borrow this book, let me know. I'm almost done and I have access to a few other copies.

Your Friday Treat

A triathlon is not in my near future

My big plan is to start working out in the mornings, since I can’t find the time or energy to do it at the end of the day. I also decided that in order to motivate myself to get up early, I would try a new and exciting exercise: swimming. I don’t know how to swim. I mean, I wouldn’t drown if I was thrown into a lake, but I probably would drown if I had to swim across it freestyle. So I bought myself a black silicone swim cap and pink goggles, packed my swimsuit into my gym bag and headed out the door at 6am. I felt minor trepidation approaching the pool, but no one was there except for a lifeguard and two other people standing around talking. I got into the slow lane and did not start off well. I know you’re supposed to put your head in the water when you’re swimming, but I just couldn’t do it. When my new goggles broke after 3 laps, I figured that was my reprieve. Um, no. The lifeguard came over and among his choice lines was “You don’t look good.” First of all, no one wants to hear that. Ever. Especially at 6:30 in the morning when they’ve shoved their hair into a hideous bathing cap and are flailing around desperately in the shallow end of a pool. But then he fixed my goggles, told me how to breathe under water: blow bubbles out of your nose and breathe in through your mouth. This is probably ridiculously obvious for those of you who know how to swim, but it made me feel very skeptical of the swim lessons I took every year as a kid. I don’t know how to breathe while swimming and I never learned to dive. I am, however, a master of the kickboard. So there.
I practiced what the lifeguard had taught me for another 15 minutes before feeling like I might be sick to my stomach, which seemed like a good stopping point. On my way out, he mentioned that the next thing I needed to learn to do was kick (I swear to god, I thought I was kicking) and that I might want to take a lesson. “See how the good swimmers are doing it?” he gestured to three people in the fast lane. Still, I am not mad at this guy. He gives swim lessons and I might take one. It should be a great exercise in humility, if nothing else.

Relax, I'm on a lunch break

I wish that someone would pay me to sit here and blog. Obviously, that would suck for you guys, since I’m not that interesting, but sometimes it seems like I might be better suited to anonymous judgment as opposed to what I really get paid for which is Client Services (yes, I know, it sounds like I work in an illicit massage parlor.) Other things I think I could do well for money:

-read books (this could be a viable option, if I was also interested in reviewing them. I’m not. See Book Cannibal for your review needs.)
-charm your parents (but of course I would do this for free)
-delete spam and stare at the wall (not that this would be fun, but we can’t run away from our inherent skills)
-shop (kind of defeats the purpose, no?)

Anyway. For now, I will sit here eating pretzels and attempt to get closer to my real dream job: sleeping in and then grabbing a book and going for coffee. If my parents' lives are any indication, what I am truly striving for is retirement.

At the risk of encouraging your curiosity

Yet another trip without a camera has gone by. Although this time, it may have been a subconscious move on my part, since everyone in Rob’s family is incredibly tall (13-year-old niece: 5’9”) and I always end up feeling like that short, stout teapot. His niece was very curious about our relationship and said things like “Why won’t he just ASK you?” and “Maybe he’ll ask you tonight.” It was actually very cute, until the rest of the family and their friends and their friends’ pets joined in. During these conversations I am constantly looking around the room for my mother, the possible ventriloquist.

Amanda and Dan should move here

Dan grows a tree during drinks.

Amanda is a bunny.

Dan, against a delicious backdrop of gay pride.

Happy Independence Day!

4th of July is one of my favorite holidays because you don't typically have to travel anywhere, there's usually a fun barbecue, the weather is nice, no gifts are given, and there are fireworks.
So I'm heading out of the house in a while to buy cupcakes to bring to San Diego, where I'm going tonight to see Rob's family for an extra-long weekend. I'll be missing the bbq and fireworks because the only Delta flight to San Diego gets in at 9. If it rains, I'm going to punch someone.