Was there ever a fictional character more terrifying than Christopher Columbus? Rumor has it that this invented explorer crossed oceans to arrive in the Americas just in time for Indigenous People’s Day and immediately hatched his evil domination plan by shaking the hands of the Native Americans and infecting them with all sorts of Italian pirate diseases, like scurvy and pancetta. Today, we celebrate him with parades and clowns, and people dress up like Captain Hook from Peter Pan, because after Columbus spread disease in the “new world”, his hands fell off and it was this legend that gave two brothers named Johnson and Johnson the idea for antibacterial hand soap. Nowadays, kids celebrate the fact that they have hands by tracing them in school to make turkeys, which they offer up to Columbus so that his ghost doesn’t visit them in the night.
Wait…I’ve just been told that Columbus was a real Italian person. But how could he have sailed three different ships around the world in 80 days? Hmmm. Then it does make more sense that there have been protests across the country this week as the nation tries to celebrate a holiday that leaves many of its citizens feeling less than patriotic.
Jack is TWO!
3 years ago