Here is what a tea bag said to me this morning: Dignity and tranquility last forever. I like this particular tea, Yogi Tea, not just because it talks to me, but also because it gives specific advice. This afternoon, it told me to be proud of who I am. It’s nice when something wise—like tea—takes the time to send you a personal message. I’d like to also be able to ask it questions, but life doesn’t work that way. Nina and I went to a yoga class last night. It was the first time I have been in months and it’s an intermediate/advanced class, so that’s not necessarily a good thing. When everyone else was rising into their headstand with ease, I was spastically shooting my legs in the air, hoping some spiritual super-being would lift them up for me. Nina says she was just looking around at everyone else. The teacher was endlessly entertaining; he adds extra syllables to all of his words, which mostly has a calming effect, but sometimes makes me want to giggle. “EEN-a-HALE…” he will announce, striding around the room in his bright purple shorts. “And EX-a-HALE.” Then he’ll tell us to sit down on our blocks until we can feel our buttocks blossoming beneath us. To illustrate, he will grab the back of his shorts and happily massage his butt for us. He is all about us opening our hearts up. I like this. But while I was trying to blossom my butt and open my heart, the woman in front of Nina kept making little moaning noises. I found it distracting and I realize I forgot to ask Nina if it bothered her, too. First of all, there were the noises she was making: like erotic sighs at certain points and then more like snorts of annoyance. And then there was the fact that she wasn’t doing all the poses—occasionally she would just flip into some random position, lie there and moan. I’m not sure she was even een-a-haling when she was supposed to. Also, she was wearing bright red lipstick. I just thought that was odd. After class, I went home and ate a piece of cold pizza and drank a glass of wine. I debated whether this was un-yogi-like and if I should be continuing the 90-minute detox we’d just been through by drinking water and eating vegetables. But then I figured that if I was making a mistake, I would hear about it the next day from my tea bag, and as you know, my tea bag told me I’m all good.