All hail Jack Handey

It's not exactly like a guest blogger blogging on the blog. Nevertheless, from this week's New Yorker, I give you:

The Symbols on My Flag (And What They Mean)
by Jack Handey

The bra and panties stand for women’s rights.

Davy Crockett shaking hands with Daniel Boone symbolizes how we need to put aside our differences.

The skull and crossbones, in the lower right corner, stands for pirates, and all that they have given us.

The angel holding the sword represents how guns are nice but swords are more of a “heavenly” thing.

The plow with the four-leaf clover symbolizes the luck of the farmer.

The quicksand represents the travails of life. The hand sticking out of it is so you know it’s quicksand and not just a dirty spot on the flag.

The bat stands for eternal life, through our lord Dracula.

The sheaf of wheat symbolizes the bounty of the land, and the hope that soon more things will come in sheaves.

The parrot represents the need to communicate, even if it’s only squawks.

The tin of paprika stands for paprika, a spice I hope to learn more about.

The triskelion indicates that I know what a triskelion is.

The sun on the horizon makes you wonder, Is it rising or setting? And is it our sun or a weird invader sun? The five rays coming out of the sun symbolize the five times that I have had sex.

The big word “NO” refers to the boy running with the pair of scissors. If you look closer, you can see that he also has a pair of scissors sticking in his thigh and another in his belly. This symbolizes the need for kids not to run with scissors, especially if they’ve already been stuck by scissors.

The bulldozer pushing over the pine tree stands for progress. And the bluebird flying out of the tree symbolizes the way bluebirds fly off when you knock down their trees.

The rose stands for blood. So does the sparkling ruby. And so does the bucket with “Blood” written on the side. All hail Dracula!

The eagle, you will note, is the centerpiece of my flag. It symbolizes freedom. Also the ability to see far away, so you can spot somebody doing something fishy and get him locked up.

In his talon, the eagle is holding a clutch of arrows. This symbolizes the growing problem of Indian litterbugs. Wrapped around the eagle’s other talon is a big ball of fishing line, which represents my love of fishing.

The banner in the eagle’s beak, if you can’t read it, says “Courage, Valor, Dignity, ANTS!!”

It’s easy to tell what some of the symbols on my flag mean. The tweezers symbolize tweezing. The dog symbolizes doggies. Good boy! Good doggie! But the meaning of other symbols is not so clear, even to me. What does the T. rex stepping on the Martian mean? Perhaps scholars can figure it out.

My flag started out as nothing more than the word “NO” on a blank background and has evolved over the years. Recently, my friend Don told me that my flag had too many symbols, that it was “cluttered.” I wanted to punch him, but instead I ran out into the howling storm, fell on my knees, and railed against the night. “Why me, Lord?” I sobbed. “Why me?” Then I saw my flag, illuminated by my spotlight and my rotating Christmas color wheel, flying proudly above the tool shed. As the flag snapped in the wind, some of my symbols, which I guess I hadn’t sewn on too well, flew off like leaves. There were also some real leaves blowing by, but mostly it was symbols. And I thought, Maybe Don’s right. Maybe I do need to “thin out” my flag. So I wound up removing some of the symbols, leaving only the ones you see here today. If it’s still “cluttered,” then so be it. I would rather have a cluttered flag than one that has no meaning whatsoever.